5 in 3

What does the title mean? 5 in 3?

5 hits in 3 at bats would be impossibly amazing.
5 puppies in 3 days would be yappiness personified.
5 hours of sleep in 3 days would be exhaustive.

Well how about 5 doctors in 3 years. That’s putting it on the low side. I’ve seen that many, times 3, but I am just counting my primary doctors.

1. Dr could give a crap and move to Chicago.
2. Dr ran all the elimination tests, whispered the word Fibro and moved to Georgia.
3. Fibro specialist that actually slapped the label on me, officially and then I lost my insurance and she closed her practice.
4. Dr led me down a new dietary path which helped me lose 50 pounds in a year…then she moved to Georgia.

And that now leads to number 5. I have really been struggling with today’s appt. Part of me wants to believe that with a new doctor, there will be a new perspective and maybe some new ideas. This excites me.

However, the stronger part of me dreads having to tell my story once again and then wait for the medical judgement of someone who is still a stranger to me. I know I should go in with more hope and faith, but I instead am going in like a moth to a flame….cautious. I have been burned by doctors too many times during this process not to be weary.

The other issue is feeling like I have to make them believe. That sounds silly to put into words; but as many of us know, the doctors are not always believers. Heck, there are days I can’t believe it myself, and I live with it every minute.

Sleep has not come easy and the pain has elevated leading up to later this morning. Please send positive thoughts later this morning.

Off soon to meet 5 in 3.

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A Major Announcement…

Ok, well maybe not a major announcement, but I’m back. Back, to letting my brain flow through these cold fingertips of mine. Back, at least for today. I have missed you and appreciate the messages of encouragement, wonder and care I got from some of my readers. Each letter strengthens my daily resolve.

 

I have no reason for stepping away from the blog…just as I have no reason for returning again. However, here I am. I wish I could relay tales of wonderment while I was away, but alas, it has been just like any other span of time encompassed in the last few years. Taking each day…each moment…for what it is. Dealing with the immediate and trying to look forward to the next.

 

The next hour…

The next day…

The next pain free moment…

The next quiet dinner with my wife…

The next…always waiting.

 

I have found that days have very little identification at the moment. One seems to bleed into another, into another. I am still working a few hours a week with my student, and have found it to be equally rewarding and exhausting. Equally challenging and educational. We are currently reading the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I bought a copy myself so that I could read along and we could have deep discussions about the story, and meaning of the book. If you have not read this one, I might suggest it. I’m sure a trip to your local library may uncover and old copy. Very interesting perspective on life and where it may or may not be heading, all taught by the unlikeliest of characters.

 

Well, Friday is another big day for me. It’s new doctor day! (Typed in my most sarcastic thought) This will be Primary Doctor numero 5 in a three year period. That of course does not count all the other specialists and incompetents that I met along my journey. The last two moved from Oregon to Georgia. To Georgia!! Absolutely no disrespect to any Georgia Peaches that might be reading; but who moves from Oregon to Georgia? Better yet…who finds two doctors that decide to move from Oregon to Georgia….This guy!

 

So I have filled out my new patient paperwork, copied and delivered a small novel of medical records and reports (they can request the rest of the bookcase on their own) and delivered it all with sticky tabs and notes. Hopefully when I walk in the doctor will have an idea of why I am there, and won’t have to read the folder to know my name. In all fairness I did meet the new doctor very briefly when I went in for the paperwork, and felt a calm energy about her.

 

Now finding a doctor is rather interesting in my case. I don’t have, and haven’t had for awhile, ‘traditional insurance’. Therefore calling around and finding a good doctor is not all that easy. About a year ago my wife found a local Physician’s coop where we pay a monthly fee and then have a certain amount of visits a year, with my doctor it will be 9 a year after the initial visit. Then, when it comes to testing deals have been worked out with various labs for reduced costs…but still all costs to me. Each doctor has their own plan of visits, and varying prices for the initial cost. So finding the right doctor is like rolling the dice in Vegas. You go in with the knowledge you have and hope for the best.

 

So we will see where we go now on this journey of mine. Each season seems to bring a new road…or more correctly a new direction of the road. Seldom does it appear as a fork, allowing me to choose my way. It’s more like a spoon…dipping down and then climbing out the other side.

 

So for today I write, with no promises or expectations on tomorrow. The sun is shining; the weather is in the 70s and it’s my favorite month. I think my cane and I have a date for a path. A path I WILL choose.

 

May all of you have a pain free moment until we read again.

Got to be

Another streak
4 days old
Injured by anger
Saddled by stress
Deepening despair
And empty energy
Leaves me paralyzed
My mind numbing
My body screaming
Tired of it
Tired of it
Days are fine
Days are good
Days then suck the most
Never know
Never plan
Someday
Any day
There’s got to be
Got to be a way

I Wept Today

I wept today
Sitting lonely
On my porch
Wondering
What happened
To this life
To this body
Feeling the isolation
The separation
From my dreams
From my vision
I weep now
As I type
Blurred letters
On a white screen
The aches pound
The pain strangles
Everything is not
Not what I wanted
I wept today

Slipped away

Well I suppose it was just a matter of time. I was bound to miss a day with my blog…I’m just proud of doing it consecutively for as many months as I have.

So I move on and begin a new streak. No need to be bummed, it just slipped away from me. I was suffering from low energy and high pain…but I had my wife home. We sort of just lost the day spending time with each other.

We relaxed and enjoyed the coolness thy has fallen our direction. The afternoon was spent visiting with an old friend I had not seen in a couple of years. He made a comment that kind of blew me away and put things in a different perspective. We were talking about my weight loss, and when I told him my current weight he mentioned that was about 75 pounds less then the last time I saw him.

Wow. I had leveled at the 220 for quite awhile, so I had not thought of my heavier days prior. I basically lost 1/3 of myself. Crazy.

Then it was off to dinner. My wife had grown tired of all the Joe’s Crab Shack commercials, so we went there for dinner so she could eat her craving. Her dinner was good…mine miserable. Although I give the restaurant credit for taking some money off the bill for the poor food.

All in all it was a good day…even through the aches. So back at it again with new stories and such.