5 in 3

What does the title mean? 5 in 3?

5 hits in 3 at bats would be impossibly amazing.
5 puppies in 3 days would be yappiness personified.
5 hours of sleep in 3 days would be exhaustive.

Well how about 5 doctors in 3 years. That’s putting it on the low side. I’ve seen that many, times 3, but I am just counting my primary doctors.

1. Dr could give a crap and move to Chicago.
2. Dr ran all the elimination tests, whispered the word Fibro and moved to Georgia.
3. Fibro specialist that actually slapped the label on me, officially and then I lost my insurance and she closed her practice.
4. Dr led me down a new dietary path which helped me lose 50 pounds in a year…then she moved to Georgia.

And that now leads to number 5. I have really been struggling with today’s appt. Part of me wants to believe that with a new doctor, there will be a new perspective and maybe some new ideas. This excites me.

However, the stronger part of me dreads having to tell my story once again and then wait for the medical judgement of someone who is still a stranger to me. I know I should go in with more hope and faith, but I instead am going in like a moth to a flame….cautious. I have been burned by doctors too many times during this process not to be weary.

The other issue is feeling like I have to make them believe. That sounds silly to put into words; but as many of us know, the doctors are not always believers. Heck, there are days I can’t believe it myself, and I live with it every minute.

Sleep has not come easy and the pain has elevated leading up to later this morning. Please send positive thoughts later this morning.

Off soon to meet 5 in 3.

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A Major Announcement…

Ok, well maybe not a major announcement, but I’m back. Back, to letting my brain flow through these cold fingertips of mine. Back, at least for today. I have missed you and appreciate the messages of encouragement, wonder and care I got from some of my readers. Each letter strengthens my daily resolve.

 

I have no reason for stepping away from the blog…just as I have no reason for returning again. However, here I am. I wish I could relay tales of wonderment while I was away, but alas, it has been just like any other span of time encompassed in the last few years. Taking each day…each moment…for what it is. Dealing with the immediate and trying to look forward to the next.

 

The next hour…

The next day…

The next pain free moment…

The next quiet dinner with my wife…

The next…always waiting.

 

I have found that days have very little identification at the moment. One seems to bleed into another, into another. I am still working a few hours a week with my student, and have found it to be equally rewarding and exhausting. Equally challenging and educational. We are currently reading the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I bought a copy myself so that I could read along and we could have deep discussions about the story, and meaning of the book. If you have not read this one, I might suggest it. I’m sure a trip to your local library may uncover and old copy. Very interesting perspective on life and where it may or may not be heading, all taught by the unlikeliest of characters.

 

Well, Friday is another big day for me. It’s new doctor day! (Typed in my most sarcastic thought) This will be Primary Doctor numero 5 in a three year period. That of course does not count all the other specialists and incompetents that I met along my journey. The last two moved from Oregon to Georgia. To Georgia!! Absolutely no disrespect to any Georgia Peaches that might be reading; but who moves from Oregon to Georgia? Better yet…who finds two doctors that decide to move from Oregon to Georgia….This guy!

 

So I have filled out my new patient paperwork, copied and delivered a small novel of medical records and reports (they can request the rest of the bookcase on their own) and delivered it all with sticky tabs and notes. Hopefully when I walk in the doctor will have an idea of why I am there, and won’t have to read the folder to know my name. In all fairness I did meet the new doctor very briefly when I went in for the paperwork, and felt a calm energy about her.

 

Now finding a doctor is rather interesting in my case. I don’t have, and haven’t had for awhile, ‘traditional insurance’. Therefore calling around and finding a good doctor is not all that easy. About a year ago my wife found a local Physician’s coop where we pay a monthly fee and then have a certain amount of visits a year, with my doctor it will be 9 a year after the initial visit. Then, when it comes to testing deals have been worked out with various labs for reduced costs…but still all costs to me. Each doctor has their own plan of visits, and varying prices for the initial cost. So finding the right doctor is like rolling the dice in Vegas. You go in with the knowledge you have and hope for the best.

 

So we will see where we go now on this journey of mine. Each season seems to bring a new road…or more correctly a new direction of the road. Seldom does it appear as a fork, allowing me to choose my way. It’s more like a spoon…dipping down and then climbing out the other side.

 

So for today I write, with no promises or expectations on tomorrow. The sun is shining; the weather is in the 70s and it’s my favorite month. I think my cane and I have a date for a path. A path I WILL choose.

 

May all of you have a pain free moment until we read again.

Mission for the Day

I swear I saw it
It lifted off the ground
What would my house be like
If my couch wasn’t around

There’s no way
I can let it go
I am the boss
So it’s time to show

The good days have left
And the mission is clear
The weekend will be spent
Pinning my couch, with my rear

That Better Day…I Love It

Well it was bound to happen at some point. If I kept telling myself tomorrow would be a better day, it was bound to be true. I’ve managed to string together a couple of good days…back to back.

Things began looking up, and the body loosening up, about Saturday afternoon. I was able to enjoy a wonderful evening with my wife shooting a game of pool and playing some cribbage.

Yesterday, although lonely and tiring, I managed to get a decent amount of chores done at home while my wife worked her final open to close shift at work. She works her butt off, so I try my best to conserve energy to keep the house in somewhat good shape.

Today capped off a great run. My wife and I spent the day with some friends. The women went of to scour the shelves of Goodwill, while the men stayed back and played some Tiger Woods golf. Then, we were treated to an amazing dinner of steak and salad. We left happy and full.

So as I sign off tonight, I have a smile one my face, a full belly and a tired mind. I will sleep well tonight knowing that at least for these few days, I have felt alive…and I love it!

You’re stressing me out!!

A few days ago I wrote about my weight loss plan and the part that stress played in that plan. I wanted to touch a bit more on the stress issue in broader terms…and the ‘joy’ it brings to someone with Fibro.

For those that don’t know, Fibro is actually an Autoimmune Disease which attacks the central nervous system. This is why many of us have chronic pain…as the brain basically has diarrhea of the mouth and does not know how to talk to the body properly. It’s a bit if a drama queen, overacting to everything.

Now add the ingredient if stress to the mix. Stress is something we all deal with…and handle differently. Out bodies deal with stress differently. In Fibrites, it’s an absolute poison. I think that all of the triggers I have, it is stress that is the one I battle everyday. I attempt to live as stress free a life as possible, just so I can try to maintain the pain levels. Some days I’m successful, other days…well I get pissed off, like yesterday.

I know that some people who do not understand Fibromyalgia think that most if us just sit around the house and do nothing everyday. There is some truth to this, but it’s mostly our of necessity, rather than choice. Being stuck at home all most of the time can drive one mad. Just watch The Shining. Just because I am home resting my body, does not mean I can rest my mind…and it’s my mind that is the main stress inducer.

I sit
I cannot shut down
Worrying about the future
Settling my past
Trying to find the answers
To a life well lived
I want to travel
I want to play
I want to work
I want to feel human
I want to not worry about the bills
I want health insurance
I want a quiet place to live
I have a beautiful wife
I have an amazing family
I have supportive friends
I do have a good life
The pain mares it

So it is through writing that I try to release that stress…those pent up worries. It’s a broken tool, in my bag of tricks, but a tool nonetheless, which does bring a temporary relief. At least until the mind wakes again in it’s hidden rambles.

So I go back to trying to live a stress-free stressed out life.

Angry for a day

Anger has gripped me today
Pissed away any light
Grappling at my soul
Infecting my thoughts
No reason for the anger
Or shouldn’t be a reason
Yet here it is
Spitting
Gnawing
Clawing
Days like these
Can be worse than the pain
Angry just because
Happiness shoved out
Just another day
Where my inner self
Betrays me again
Angry for a day